A day to mark a balancing point

 A Day of Balance

Today, September 4 back in 2002 was a day that ended my career and almost my life. Here I will share the pictures of that day. But...this is a day of balance for me. Today is the 14th Anniversary of that horrific day...but it marks a balance too. How do I explain? I loved this career and I was good at it! I took great pride in being able to bond with the children that I transported and keep them safe. I drove for 14 years. All that ended on this day.

Ah, now you may see the balance. I have now NOT driven a school bus for as long as I HAD driven one.

Do I miss it? Is my new life difficult? How do I feel?
for over a decade I struggled with PTSD for quite a few of those years I was in a very low and dark place.
I had 'lost' as it were "Me" I was walking around empty. void of life. hollow. dark. swallowed up by the pain. PAIN both physical and mental. alone. longing to find that which was lost but unable to find it. I did not seek help, I did not know how or where to start. I just was. I was on prescription pain drugs for 5 years and when they didn't work as they once did I mixed them with alcohol. I barley slept because the flashbacks were worse at night.
Each passing year when I reached this anniversary date my mind would scream with pain anew, I was instantly transported back to that day and time. My heart had left my body, my soul was consumed with pain. I was so lost. A few times I would reach out to this one person. Chuck, he is a state police officer that was part of the school and thus part of my life at the time and he was also there after the wreck. In my mind he was symbolic of the good that came out from this bad. Looking back I remember calling him and talking and then curling up inside after and crying for days after. Some years were so bad that I could not even call him because the pain was stronger than I was.
Had I stayed where in Vermont where I was I have no doubt that I would have gotten a lot of help and support but alas...I made a very bad decision and moved away. Making myself even more alone and lost. so much so that I still fear I will never be able to go back home.

 Today, 14 years later...I cannot tell you this story fully.It's not that I don't remember it is that even today it is AS IF it has JUST happened and I am transported back in time and it all comes rushing in.

 My friend, my companion, my life...my bus #5920...covered in a shroud. gone. violently torn from me against my will.

 The shattered windscreen, smashed by the hood that was torn off by the violence of the impact

 I call this 'the shroud' I walked up to my bus here at the bus shop and I threw up from the memory and pain that flooded my heart. I cannot spent too much time looking at this because of how it makes me feel

 If you were to look at the cover of the battery box you would see...'a streak of red'

 For many years I could not process my feelings about the driver of this truck, finally I am able to say I hate him and will always hate him.I do not believe in hell but if I did I would wish that he suffer twice for every year I have suffered and 10 times the years of suffering he inflicted upon the innocent lives of the children on my bus I don't care if anyone disagrees with that, you were not there you have not lived my life. I don't believe one must forgive. somethings don't fit that term. I do however beleive in letting it fade into the past. This blog today is about just that. MY BALANCE.

 I wrote this poem just a day or so after the wreck and for decades my dreams were haunted by the 'Streak of red' that never went by. Even in the waking light of day the flashbacks of seeing that man's face seconds before impact crushed my heart over and over again plummeting me once again in the freshness of the pain.

 I have so much pride in this little piece of paper, I don't know if I have words to express it. so for now I shall not try.

 Myself and my boss Jodi were recognized at the State Capitol in Montpelier just 2 weeks after the wreck. I don't remember much of that day, just glimpse of this and that. I remember the swelling pride as I received a standing ovation.

 There was a small press meeting at the Rutland State Police Barracks where I was presented my commendation

 This is 'Vermont Strong'

So, that is the back-story. that is just a peek. Let me give you another peek lets go forward about 6 years something happened in my life that shocked me,and made me mad really mad and I did something spontaneous that allowed me to find that little spark deep inside that was the ME that had been missing.
Oh, to have me back...how wonderful and how painful you see, I was now able to face that pain straight on and I beat it down, I accepted it, I gave it validation, I gave it a place of honor. Then I moved on. like a baby taking small wobbly steps, I move gently and quietly on. I broke the habit that pain killers caused and though I still enjoy alcohol in moderation I never use alcohol to cope with life.
Last year was my Lucky 13th
why lucky? let me tell you...I was able to talk to Chuck (my state trooper friend) and the pain...well it did not consume me. I talked to my former boss Jodi and the pain....well it did not hurt.
Then for the VERY FIRST time ever I was contacted by one of the students that was on the bus with me. ONE child (now and adult) He told me because of my actions on that day he became a firefighter/EMT.... that is a shinning star that sits on my heart. He and I maintain contact with via Facebook. I would very much love to know what has happened to all of the students that rode that day, I have no idea how I can do that. Perhaps writing this blog will make it happen.

Now...Today....
Today marks the balance day, the day that I have now NOT been a school bus driver just as long as I WAS one.
Today I am basically a happy person. I have PTSD but it does not over power me. I know my triggers and I know how to handle them in a healthy way. I am a strong person, a survivor indeed I am a warrior if you will.
I have made my BALANCE