Riding the waves
when do you tie your knot?
When do you wake up in the morning with tears already formed in your eyes.
What is your breaking point?
Have you been there?
how do you rise up?
how do you pull yourself up by the bootstraps and take that next step?
Me????
I really have NO idea.
because I live on this island I now call those things my 'waves'
you all have seen my posts about riding the waves that come my way...well here is another wave....
I am secretly glad you cannot see my crazy face as I am crying away madly when I type and pour my heart out....
think back to when you were a child and someone pushed you high and fast on the swings...OH how your heart raced and your blood pumped and you were scared! and yet you dealt with it and did it again. wow how brave you were!
What about the first time you rode a roller coaster? that first dip took your heart right up into your mouth didn't it?? then the anticipation of the next dip made your hands sweat and you screamed!!! but by the time the third and fourth dip came you knew what to expect. yes it is still scary and you most likely thought...what am I doing here?!?!? but you make it thru the ride and boy! were you ever brave.
or what about the first time you took a surf board out into the ocean? did you even stand up or did you ride the wave on your tummy all the way in to the shore? did you think you were going to fall? how did you feel with the power of the surge under your feet? brave?
So am I comparing life a swing or to a roller coaster ride?? or riding a wave?
How is it brave when you know you can stop. when you know that the ride will end. when you see the shore get closer.
I cannot get off POMC Island, this ride is not (yet) near the end. and all I see is wave after wave crashing on the shore.
I do not feel brave.
I want to cry and beg for help. but I don't know what to say or how to ask.
I am not strong. or amazing or awesome (well ok a little)
I am tired,weak,alone and struggling.
I try to show the world how they can keep riding the waves by example.
but
it
is
hard
I will not lie.
it sucks.
it hurts.
but I am doing it and you can too.
go ahead find an outlet. cry.paint.sing.dance.yoga.walking.
try to do something that does not cost money. spending time is ok. you will have more of that tomorrow. if you are like me money is limited so spend it wisely. and if money is not limited, then find someone like me that needs some and share with them. you will feel better.
I write poems and I write these small blogs. and I walk on the beach and I cry.
I allow myself to be down and sad and it is OK to say you hurt when you do.
I try to tell the people that I love what they mean to me, how important they are to me.
I feel I fail in that aspect but I keep trying.
when you see me post pictures and reminders that 'Life is Good, even when times are tough'
that is ME talking to myself. that is my reminder to me. when I say 'the little things in life are HUGE' that too is me reminding myself to refocus on the important thing....love.
I am happy if my reminders help you too, but I put them there for me.
that is how I ride my waves. my coasters. my swing.
Today I am not feeling well. I have caught a cold, scratch throat and stuffy sinus etc. and Nate's cough has deepened he had another rough night with coughing and waking up and general grumpiness. Nate has been sick since November. In the past six months he has had two adrenal crisis two trips to the ER and has been on antibiotics five times. We have seen the pediatrician, the geneticist, the ear-nose-and throat doctor and the endocrinologist.
And this wave is closely followed by an even bigger one.
And as of today we NO LONGER HAVE A CAR! This scares me. deep in my bones... core of my gut... scares me the ''what-ifs" are running rampant in my mind.I cannot 'fix' this one on my own. THIS wave is going to knock me down. this wave is bad. I NEED HELP.
TEARS!! :'(
and as I battle my wave I want you to battle yours. keep going. as we say in Florida 'hunker down' the storm will pass. and I hope that you will have friends and family that will help you pick up the pieces and will be there to hug you and comfort you....And I hope I will too.
so. what will I do next???? what do I do when I am scared? I turn and face what ever is it and I ROAR back at it and scream...IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE?!?!?! C'MON...BRING IT ON...I AM STILL HERE AND I AM STILL STANDING.
does that change anything? no.
do I feel better? a little
am I going to be OK?
I hope so.
After all...
I have the best little man in the world and we live together on this Island....
"LIFE IS GOOD, EVEN WHEN TIMES ARE TOUGH."
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